Lets Get Tight Does Spring Break
Sunday, March 9, 2008 at 08:07PM I was running some numbers on the college demographic and I came up with an alarming set of percentages. After conducting a thorough survey researching students at the student union of the largest public University in my state (also my alma mater) my mind was blown. The survey was regarding spring break plans. I decided to group my findings based on the types of students responding.
Here are the different groups I came up with:
Meatheads: These guys are your typical jock/bro dudes who live in a Frat house or won't forgive themselves for not managing to live there. The ones who didn't make it to the "top" live in houses that resemble frat houses. Their favorite things include drinking Bud Light, trying to act like Ari Gold, and getting in drunken fights. Some of them even love having dreams of becoming stock brokers. They love wearing wind pants or Von Dutch hats (they didn't find out that style faded three short days after it came out.) You can see them playing beirut on the front lawns of Frat Row or talking to someone about how they plan on fighting in the UFC someday while finishing their third cheeseburger.
Airheads (no, not cool ones like in the movie):
This is a broad category. It basically encompasses girls who wear Uggs, four year old designer jeans (even though they read Cosmo and Vogue they don't really pay attention to the lettering they just look at girls bodies) They didn't realize that 7 Jeans jumped the shark a long time ago so they're still sliding them on to their thick asses day in and day out. They love to carry around the giant "designer" bags that they bought or had someone buy them from Canal Street in NYC. These are obvious knock-offs and their biggest fears are that someone will call them out on their fake LV bag.
The dudes they fuck off the chains don't necessarily know anything about this monogram other than it means "this girl if from New Jersey and thinks she is high class / high maintenance". They can be found in the bedroom of anyone who looks like a Gotti brother getting their head slammed against the wall while getting pounded doggy style. Or they can be found at CVS while picking up some lotion to clear up their yeast infections or UTI they contracted from ass to mouth to v, typical Friday late night stuff for them.
Faux-Intellectuals:
These boners are the ones who carry around JME Lacan or Bakunin books and bottles of red wine to parties. You'll notice that they wear tweed sport coats or "hip" sweaters to class and make sure to put on their unnecessary glasses. They spend most of their time reading regurgitated bullshit handouts from some shitball Xerox machine that their "instructor" handed out in class. After all, who's going to build up the war chest of useless knowledge if they don't? These dudes hang out with Faux-Intellectual girls. (p.s. I am guilty of talking about Bakunin a lot because I fucking sweat him.)
The faux-intellectual girls are the ones who managed to get into the humanities and realize that they were the "hottest" intellectual girl and it was time to capitalize off of this. They go after the Masters students and constantly seek validation by either fucking them or chasing them to receive their knowledge. They are most likely to be found saying "please not in my eye this time" to their teachers assistant / toolbox faux intellectual masters student. Their never ending "thirst for knowledge" is what initially propelled me to become a Staff Writer for The Weekly Dig. (interview with Michael Ian Black). Though I'm not a Masters Student or a Teachers Assistant, I still get to fuck the faux-intellectual girls more so than these guys, because I am actually published and they normally aren't. (See Article "There Will Be Pie!" this week)
Special extras: They use the words "gender constructs", "unpacking gender identity", and "Marxist" all the time. They know nothing about world politics outside of Marxist theory, or something else that their Professor told them. Ask them about Palestine/Israel, Middle Eastern history, Marcus Garvey, PanAfricanism, or old school European history outside of Economic theory and they'll hit the snooze button. If you ask them about Proust or Kinsey, you better grab a fucking Snickers bar because you're not about to go anywhere for a long time. They are unlikely to ever get a job in the work force because they are usually from fortunate circumstances in the first place that encourage them to continue with school until they can find a position teaching somewhere fifteen years down the line. Don't worry, there will always be a need for theory that can go either way and junk science. We live in America, it's not like we're out trying to survive, we can enjoy reading six hundred pages of bullshit in the comfort of our nice homes/apartments.
Foreign Students:
Foreign students do three things. They live in dorms with other foreign students, go to class all the time, and make extremely pungent food in the dorm hall kitchen. (With exception of the stray cat who manages to live with a white kid in a totally unrelated dorm, but they usually only last two or three awkward weeks there) You can find them in the student union with other foreign students chatting or in their dorm rooms watching a rip off of Jackass in Korean. (This doesn't apply to the European ones, they'll be busy all spring break catching up on fucking all the girls who they didn't manage to fuck all semester long because they were too busy fucking other girls.)
Gamers:
These guys won't be doing anything for spring break. It's mostly because the only people they hang out with are other gamers, and gamers hate sun light more than Vampires. These people can be found in the basement of an awkward house playing video games with a headset on while consuming tons of energy drinks and pounding chips. If they make it to class because their system is down and they can't go questing on World of Warcraft, they'll be talking with a lot of spit to some other gamer before class starts, usually about Halo.
Hardcore Kids and Indie Rockers:
The cheesy indie rock kids always grow their hair shaggy and let it grease up nice and juicy. They all tend to know each other, bound together by their malevolence of the other groups at the University. Unfortunately, at the time of the survey most of them fit the category of faux-intellectuals, though some of them accepted defeat and admitted to being absolutely brain dead. You can find these jackasses at a coffee shop or some dudes party that they heard of from someone else talking about Pitchfork, naming obscure philosophers until they run out of breath, or unnecessarily dissecting a movie like "Die Hard" and talking about how "hyper masculine" Bruce Willis is in it.
Then there's the cool dudes who talk about super obscure Japanese hardcore all the time or some super hard to find shit you've never heard of that doesn't even have a country of origin. These kids rule because even if the music is beyond awful, they still get 5 hour painful erections over it. Bad music is Viagra to some hardcore kids.
Other:
This category includes band tools and other kids who just don't fucking get it. They smoke cigarettes and fuck other people of their type, you might even catch a picture of them on Facebook pounding a forty but don't be fooled. They hang out with the same twenty kids who are all developmentally and emotionally challenged. They can be found at the University cafe talking about how hard their test was.
LetsGetTight Readers:
You are a special case. You didn't fit into any of these categories. You might carry around philosophy books or act like a vintner after watching Sideways but you certainly don't fall into all of these stereotypes. You can be found doing epic things, skating, shaking dem tingz, or contributing to society at an alarming rate. You're most likely to be found in the stand up 69 position for the third time that day with a different person or on the phone with an important call from your agent. Your balls are ridiculously huge but the special pants you wear make them look steamy and attractive. You are educated, beautiful, and appreciate good sarcasm. Your spring break location could be anywhere as long as there is adventure, good music, and tons of barbiturates. What are barbiturates? I don't remember either, good thing all the stuff I learned in D.A.R.E stayed with me for future reference.
Top Spots for Spring Break:
Mexico:
Cheeseball dudes with barbed wire tattoos over their sloppy biceps prefer the trip to Cancun, Mexico. Girls with orange skin and Victoria's Secret "Pink" sweat suits, Canal St. rip off bags, and shitty sunglasses prefer this place too. It could be the AIDS floating around in the cess-pool of an ocean the entire week where Gotti-Bros fans play with blown up beach balls and eat girls out on shitty low powered motorboats, or maybe the "all inclusive" food and drinks at their "resort" hotel. Either way, the people behind marketing Mexico as a prime spring break location won big time.
Europe:
The people who go here usually do it for the "European Experience". They want to make out with some Frog under the Eiffel Tower, go to some greasy techno club and feel an Italian dance floor boner on the butterfly tattoo on their ass, and order a piece of pizza in Florence with the four words of Italian they've learned this semester. They come home and talk about how it changed their life and they can't wait to live there full time after college is over. The only Eiffel Tower they will see again is one where I'm behind them and another one of my friends is in front of them and for whatever reason* my friend and I are high fiving. (There are probably three girls reading this who just felt really bad, sorry sweethearts. You're lucky I didn't post the video too.)
Florida:
This is the whiter trash version of the Mexico getaway. This place is STD central. The combined total of brain cells in the entirety of southern Florida is probably somewhere between 4 and 5 million. I think there's supposed to be more than that in one persons head, then again I don't care enough to research it. Everyone down there is a total balloon head. You don't even need the fake designer bags down there, all you need is to take your shirt off and smile for the Girls Gone Wild cameras. If you're extra special you can engage in filthy "lesbian" foreplay for ten US dollars while some dude makes millions off of it.
Your Parents House:
This is a special time for townies. Tons of townies go home to their mom and dad's house and meet up. On the first night, they go to "Mikey's House" and smoke butts on a back porch while snuggling up to a six pack of Smirnoff Ice or Mike's Hard Lemonade. For the dudes unfortunate enough to have to get trapped with this option don't fret. There's piles of girls who packed on 15 pounds at college and had their dreams broken by someone who took advantage of them. It's your chance to move in for the kill after getting rejected your entire high school career. Special credit goes to the football players who didn't make it to college ball who are now 290 pounds of fat and continuously talk about how their dad is going to hook them up with a job.
Reader Comments (3)
hahaahaha.
Meatheads, also known as Beefnecks, and their girlfriends would be called beefcurtins.
What about chickenheads-girls that think they are the shit, but are not really, with there head bopping around like chickens.
Door Sluts=girls gone wild video girls.
Can't forget Cougers. Spring break-wise.
I meant Dorm Sluts.