Conspiracy Theories / Future Truths

Here are 5 conspiracy theories / future truths (mind you conspiracy theory is a very modest term in this case, I'de like to use the word "facts" that some people might dispute):

1)  AXE BODY WASH:

 

Alright, so we've all seen the ads for Axe Body Wash where some guy is all ripped and is wrestling with a total babe.  They are all frisky and then it's like "keep your skin tight" or something.  Well, the people at the Axe Body Wash corporate headquarters are actually working very hard to keep the masses apart.   They made that body wash and the commercials to get meatheads  to think that if they wear it, they will get some super hot athlete-loving party girl.  At the same time, they're getting the party girls to think they love a man who uses Axe body wash.  All in all, these people constantly get mixed up with eachother and wind up going to the same "downtown bars".  The hip guys don't use Axe or body wash and the hip girls don't really care as long as they have long hair, siqq facial hair, skinny jeans, are a bike punx0r, know how to look stuff up on hypemachine, and are up to date on what's going on with BrooklynVegan.  The hipsters and the jock/cheerleader crowd don't get mixed up often, because there is a clear deliniation between the two because of the smell of Axe.  This body wash sort of keeps the world from complete and total pandemonium....  I know, it blew my mind too.

2)  There is Always Someone Hotter Than Your Girlfriend

 

Dude not to bum you out or anything but, if you managed to get her, she's not the best you can do.  You can do better, sometimes a LOT better.  Just because she's hot doesn't mean it's alright if she's mental, you can always do better.  Take it from me, I'm the ladies man.  If you don't believe me, then I'm probably wrong and you can't do better because you're lucky you got a slice in the first place.

3)  Ice Cream Is Better

 

Ice Cream is better than Tofutti.  This is what I like to call a "fact".  Tofutti totally blows.  You only even really love it because you went "vegan" either a) when you got into hardcore b) when you skipped the hard core scene and became a hipster.  It was part of the hipster starter kit; a fixed gear, punx patches, jean jackets, must eat only vegan now, facial hair, torn up slip ons, wierd bicycle racing shirts and tight hats. 

4)  Stealing Albums

 

I have this theory that if you downloaded Madonna's "American Life" album, you're definately a gay guy, or a guy who thinks he isn't gay but is, or a girl who loves to hang out with gay dudes just because they are gay.

5)  Jenga Isn't That Cool

 

You know, Jenga isn't all that cool.  After you play it once, you're like "yeah, I could do that again in a few weeks at the earliest, but for now I'de rather play another game", then you go smoke 7 bong rips by yourself, realize you don't know any girls, put a headset on your oily pimpled face, pound a bag of chips while drinking a gallon of soda, and then talk to the commander of another team on some nerd game. Why?  Because it's Friday night and you're a gamer, that's why.

Comments

[The Cookout]

I agree with Axe and the Ice Cream stuff.

Axe is stupid, and being Vegan sucks.

[X-bees]

Vegan is hardcore retarded. Girls that try to be vegan end up eating foods that are horrible for you (like french fries) and getting mad fat. I like Tofutti because I have no other choice, I'm lactarded..