The human penis pump and date. We'll leave assigning these labels up to you.

Explain to me how this could’ve happened. Sean Avery, a hockey player for the Dallas Stars (and former intern/weinus for Vogue magazine), was suspended Tuesday for talkin’ garbage about tremendously talented sexual, Elisha Cuthbert.

Avery's inflammatory comments came following a morning skate in Calgary, where the Stars were to play the Flames on Tuesday night. Reporters were waiting to speak with him about disparaging remarks he'd made last month about Flames star Jarome Iginla when Avery walked over to the group and asked if there was a camera present. When told there was, he said, "I'm just going to say one thing."

"I'm really happy to be back in Calgary; I love Canada," he said. "I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don't know what that's about, but enjoy the game tonight."

He then walked out of the locker room.

Avery's ex-girlfriend, actress Elisha Cuthbert of the television show 24 and sexually charged movies like Old School and The Girl Next Door is dating Calgary defenseman Dion Phaneuf, (who sounds like a dude who had a profile on Wang Out Club in college). Avery also dated Rachel Hunter, the former "Sports Illustrated" swimsuit cover model and actress who is now the girlfriend of Los Angeles Kings center Jarrett Stoll. Essentially, Avery is a vagina magnet with a lot of money, great forearms, and as evidenced today, a sense of humor.

The NHL, led by commissioner Gary Bettman, acted swiftly by suspending Avery “indefinitely.” Are you telling me, that because a guy tried to rile up the opposition before a game by saying some stupid crap about sloppy seconds, without naming names directly – he deserves to be suspended? He can’t get paid because someone used the power of inference and speculation? First of all, fucking retarded. Second of all, this is hockey, the only sport that encourages its participants to fight, suspending a guy for being a doofus? As if the sport needed to alienate itself further from fans. Alright, so maybe three Teva sandals-wearing feminists with Native American jewelry chandelier earrings and haircuts that make them look like Jennifer Aniston’s boss Stan in Office Space will get psyched and ask their cable provider about the Versus channel; but fuck them.So now some women who look like the one on the right might take time off from the food co-op to check out a Wings game. Awesome.

Jesus Christ, world. You failed us when you cancelled Arrested Development. You really screwed the pooch when you allowed a band like Korn to thrive for years and years during so many teenagers’ formative years. And now you’re ruining “locker room talk” by suspending a hockey player for being… A DUDE. Would I say something like that at the office if a co-worker was dating my prom date? Nah. But I also don’t have to worry about getting punched about the head, face and neck during my work day, I have all of my original teeth and the most harrowing aspect of my job is potentially catching a nasty burn if there’s a paper jam in the copier and I have to remove the blockage.

Avery's teammate Mike Ribeiro on the fiasco: "Nothing he (Avery) says or does anymore shocks me. I think it's part of him."

That’s right. It’s part of being an entertainer. Being a star athlete in the limelight who realizes that no one watches hockey now, so doing his best to exhibit some personality won’t exactly ruin everything for everyone. I know it’s bizarre to say about one of the most physical sports in America, but come on, Hockey, why don’t you grow a pair?