The 10 Definitive Reasons Why Obama is a Better Choice for President
Monday, November 3, 2008 at 10:46AM Here at LGT, I’ve learned that the best approach to the political landscape, and particularly the upcoming election is to approach every potential story in a non-partisan way. Perform exhaustive research. Source reliable contacts both in Washington and within the inner circles of each candidate. And most importantly, call it like you see it. As such, here are The 10 Reasons we feel Barry Obama will make a better president and why we’re pullin’ for the guy.
Reason 1: Parties at The White House will be a lot more… festive
I think most people enjoy a summer Saturday spent outside, grilling and listening to your boom box with friends. With The Obama family in charge, every weekend at The White House is going to be like the West Indian Day parade in Flatbush.
Reason 2: He has a slick ‘J’
I wish I could say he doesn’t fake the funk on a nasty dunk, but as this footage shows, while unable to rock the rim, he is capable of doing a fundamentally sound, WNBA- approved lay-up:
Reason 3: He Barack-Rolled the RNC
Reason 4: He can dance!
Question: For a position that requires extensive overseas travel to meet with and entertain dignitaries and attend global galas and summits, who do you want heading out to the dance floor for the Stars and Bars – the slick, African-American fellow who probably threw down to Rick James tunes in his day, or the guy that, if asked, couldn’t even raise his arms high enough to do the Y-M-C-A? Gotta keep the important fellows' wives entertained, right?
Reason 5: He admitted that he used to “do a j” occasionally
Now, I’m not saying that anyone wants to have Flavor Flav as President, but it’s cool that he didn’t lie about smoking weed now and again in the past. Bill Clinton lied about it in ‘92. “I never inhaled either” would be either a really lame lie, or an no-turning-back admission that you are, in fact, a weinus.
Reason 6: WAAAY bigger dong
C’mon, that’s easy. America’s been a size queen since the days of Honest Abe Lincoln. Even without the stovepipe hat, the 16th president was thought to be, like, 6’20. Think about the respect this man will command if he’s ever at a urinal next to a Castro brother or changing after a swim class with Chavez. No brainer.
Reason 7: He won’t be served Ensure during State Dinners
Being a healthy, 47-year old man is certainly a major advantage in this election. Namely, he won’t have to have someone mash up his food. Also, there was some controversy early on about “the call at 3 am,” implying some sort of disaster call to the secret red phone and McCain, with his experience from Vietnam, being more ready to take that call. I ask, wouldn’t John McCain have been in bed since 8, after eating an early bird dinner at Ponderosa Steakhouse at 4:30? Moot point? Thought so.
Reason 8: He knows what it feels like to be trailed by security in a mall
This won’t win him many votes with most non-WT white folks who don’t understand, but with everyone else of a marginal brown hue, it’s gotta add points! I’m sure before his famous Democratic Convention speech, almost any time he walked into a Circuit City and hung around by the DVDs too long, security guards took note.
Reason 9: He’ll actually look cooler doing mundane shit like driving a car or dialing a phone
Some stand-up comedians have been saying this for years. We (whites) really do look so fucking stupid driving a car. Hands at 10 and 2, whistling a Steely Dan song on our way to tennis lessons or to the gourmet cheese shop – we really are a group of fucktards. Barry is going make that shit look cool. And anytime paparazzi captures him ghostridin’ the whip – bonus points.
Reason 10: He’s not John McCain
Arguably, the most important factor in this election. Don't be a sucker! Tomorrow is one of the most important days in all of our collective lives, and we ask that you get out to the polls and cast your vote for this man! It's time for change!
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Reader Comments (14)
And let's not forget his way sweet attitude towards Israel! UNDIVIDED JERUSALEM! YEAH!
Man, so glad I still live in a country where we can ignore the Palestinian people and their ridiculous claims to clean water, electricity, hospitals, schools, and oh yeah, their land.
But why stop there? Obama is going to bring the change!
Well, not so much change as bills, and he's not going to "bring them" as much as "give them" to "wall st."
Who needs universal health care? And man, I don't know about you, but I think a lot more innocent people need to be bombed in Afghanistan before I'm happy.
Plus, let's not forget his promise to increase the military budget, leave 90,000 or so troops in Iraq to "fight terrorism" and at least Barry's had the sense to know that Pakistan is eyeing us like they want it.
Yeah! Change! Off shore drilling! Nuclear power! Bigger Military! Illegal Wiretapping! That's change you can believe in!
Cocksman,
You bring up brilliant points. Being a Muslim in America is difficult. Being a Muslim world wide is difficult. You may have heard of such conflicts as Bosnia, Kosovo, Chechniya, Palestine, etc. I feel as though after years of being disregarded and labeled a terrorist in this country I've given up on hoping that I'd be treated just like anyone else. I'm not even that religious and I get hated on. My sister covers her hair and she was stalked this past weekend by the World Trade Center (or where it was) in NYC by some psycho who first tried to spit on her and was following her around calling her a terrorist. This pig fucker wouldn't go away until my sister and brother in law found a police officer and sought help. The guy was following her around the streets of Manhattan pretending he had a weapon in his pocket. That is fucking assault homie. It's something that's being bred into every American these days. Fear what's different.
You might also disagree with how Obama voted on FISA legislation. You may also dislike how he spoke of Palestine in front of AIPAC and virtually pulled a 180 from the night before when he was grinding it out against Hilary Clinton.
I agree with you on all of this. I'm not saying that Barack is going to change everything immediately and I was one of the most vocal opposers when he passed FISA and stood by it. I also complained about his attitude toward Palestine.
One thing to understand though is that you will never have a President in this Grand Old' United States that doesn't have their lips literally stuck to Israel's asshole. They've got the most powerful lobby EVER dude. They have a propaganda campaign that would make your head spin. They have BirthRight that makes it so that ANYONE who's mom was Jewish can go to Israel for free and when they are there people keep telling them "it's ok to not be religious, this country is yours as a hereditary inheritance. Don't let those slimy Arabs take it back, EVER"
Israel will always be top priority because AIPAC is strong as fuck and they will CRUSH anyone who stands in their way. If Obama said he was willing to treat the Palestinians like humans he wouldn't be on the ticket right now. That's right sucka, sad but true.
Basically, I stand with him over McCain. It's like when your hands are fucking tied. Either you vote Obama or you get McCain. Essentially, either you get Herpes or you get AIDS.
Besides, wouldn't it be sick if Obama got in office and was like "oh word, I just said all that shit to you so I'd get in office. First order of business, stop the atrocities in the Middle East and repair the economy for real."
You and me might be the only people who really care about Palestine the day before the election. Let's hope not.
Oh yeah, and the Illegal Wiretapping.. check back on previous posts on the site. I've been raising hell about this forever. I'm bummed on it too. We've got a two party system. Though Obama isn't squeaky clean he's no McCain. Fuck McCain.
he won’t have to have someone mash up his food
There will never be any real change in this country if our attitude is "Real change can never happen, let's settle and vote for candidates who are actively against our interests."
By voting for a candidate you are saying you agree with them, you approve of their stances.
I have no idea why anyone has any hope that Obama will change anything when he's done literally nothing by way of showing that he has any such intentions.
We'll have a two party system as long as we settle for a two party system.
We'll never have any real change if we just give up and say "Well, the camps the democrats will put us in will be a little bit nicer than the camps the republicans will put us in."
A vote for Obama is a vote for more bombings in Afghanistan, more innocent deaths in Iraq, more death for Palestine, more bail outs for the ultra rich.
What would you say? "Sorry, I would've loved to have stood up for you innocent dead of the Middle East, but you see, like we got this two party system and like, I had to vote for one of the two dudes who are actively looking to fuck you over and kill you. Sorry, that's the way it is, I mean, I could've supported a third party candidate, but like, you know, that's stupid, so rather than support someone who would've actively campaigned to change things, I decided to go with the masses of people, I mean, they're wrong, but who am I to go against the majority? The majority is apparently always right in America."
Cocksman,
I love your belief that if you vote for a 3rd party candidate you're making a change. I read somewhere that the Republican camp last election encouraged people to campaign for Nader so they could even up the votes a little in their favor. They wanted people to campaign for Nader and get people who thought they were taking a stance to throw their vote in the fucking trash can.
Dude. You're living in the matrix. Dead serious. You honestly think that in the next 200 years that there will be a candidate who isn't corrupt and backed by big business? You think that if you pump your votes out for someone who actually knows what they're talking about (i.e. Ron Paul) you'll make a difference and the world is going to change?
You can't change anything in this country. It's owned by AIPAC, the NRA, Big Tobacco, and GIANT BUSINESS. You're just a slave to these people's agendas. The sooner you learn that the better.
It's a hard spoonful to swallow. You think my people will ever get Palestine back without the entire world collapsing? Doubt it. Am I bitter about it? Sure. Can I do ANYTHING about it? No.
The majority is wrong. People are kissing Obama's ass just because he's not McCain. Other people just caught the advertising/young people fever. I know a bunch of people who know absolute SHIT about politics and somehow all they can talk about is Obama.
While the world goes to shit, throw on Poison Idea, pull out a sleeve of Beam, and headbang your bitterness away. Don't you wish some dude with a pockmarked face would call you up and show up in a trench coat and feed you a pill so you could break out of this bullshit?
Alright. Fair enough. But if it doesn't matter and we're fucked and everyone is awful and evil, then why not vote McCain? Why bother voting at all? I mean, everyone is evil, the world is fucked, we're all doomed, so like, why bother?
Let's march with big fucking smiles on our face into the fucking gas chambers.
Abandon hope for the future. Abandon any kind of free thinking.
Settle. Give up. Know that you will always lose.
"You will eat, by and by, in that glorious home in the sky, work and pray, live on hay, and you'll get pie in the sky when you die, that's the lie."
If every single person who said "Yeah, sure, I agree with Nader, or Ron Paul, or Cynthia McKinney (or any other third party candidate) but like I wouldn't vote for them because they'd never win" actually voted for them, there'd be quite a showing wouldn't there?
All I'm saying is that YOU SUPPORT ISRAEL. You vote for their whipping boy, you support Israel and their actions. YOU SUPPORT THE WAR IN IRAQ. YOU SUPPORT THE WAR IN AFGHANISTAN. YOU SUPPORT ILLEGAL WIRE TAPPING AND BAIL OUTS FOR WALL ST. YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE BUSH/CHENEY IMPEACHED. YOU LOVE THE DRUG WAR. THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY YOU AGREE WITH AND BELIEVE IN WHEN YOU VOTE FOR "CHANGE".
What an insane way to go through life, "Like, I know better, but dude, like, give up on all that change and shit. Just try to make a bunch of money and party heardy dudes and dudettes!"
Nicely done.
YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. YOU CAN VOTE FOR SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY BELIEVES IN THE THINGS YOU BELIEVE IN.
Why is it just a 2 party system in this country? Because every four years the powers that be go "Look, Americans don't want more than two parties, see, like, no one voted for them." Even though, millions of Americans are tired of the corrupt 1 party system masquerading as a 2 party system, because no one votes for the candidates, they can keep saying, "No one wants more choices".
Fuck man. There was a time in this country when women couldn't vote, neither of the candidates running supported woman's suffrage, what would you have said to the people of the day, "Give up on trying to change things. Things will always be awful, women will never vote because the country is fucked and awful. Get behind someone who doesn't give two fucks about you, that will make this country better."
Yeah, can you believe there were people who marched against the vietnam war? What was their deal? Don't they know that the country is ruled by evil dudes and nothing will ever change? They should've stayed at home and made a siq mashup am i right?
Alright. You're right. I guess I have kind of settled and let my old hot blood get cold. I used to actually care. I agree with what you're saying boss. I'm kind of ashamed in myself right now..
Just to be clear, I was making the point that this guy is the better choice of the two because he could take on Candace Parker in a one-on-one b-ball game, and possibly win.
Waxing poetic on the actual merits of each candidate has been done, ad nauseum for almost 6 months now. Are either of these candidates perfect? No. Are they perfectly in line with what you, or I or anyone thinks? Unlikely. But when you listen to what they're offering, and you read about their policies, and about what they plan to do to repair some of the damage this country has gone through -- not just in the past 8 years, but even beyond that -- I think one candidate makes more sense for what I believe in and relate to.
So let's not get all inflamed and start dropping "dudettes" and "siq mashups" here all condescending like. You make some valid points in your argument, and regardless of all else, I do hope you'll be voting tomorrow if you haven't done so already. Come Wednesday morning, we'll be likely be sure of one thing, and that's the direction the country will likely go over the next 4 years. We're all in the same boat here. I hope the divisive nonsense, the polarization of this country into Reddest Reds and Bluest Blues, will finally be laid to rest and we can try to come back together and let go of this tug-of-war and do what's best for the country.
All the things you speak of Cocksman are true, however right now we need to address the situation at hand, and if Obama is better for our country than Mcain, then I'm voting Obama. I personally believe we have close to no say in the way our country is run, but right now we have the opportunity to choose between the lesser of two evils and I do not think our votes will be cast in vain. If you want change then start turning the wheels, motivate your self and others, don't just sit there and tell everyone they are wasting there time and selling themselves out. Some of us are a little more down to earth about what we are capable of controlling and no matter how minute that contribution may be , we are willing to get off our assess and take advantage of one of our last and extremely frail rights. Right now, a day before the election, is not the time to be throwing your arms up in the air and crying about our helplessness and unwillingness to go the distance. Cast a vote you pussy and know when to act!
Great, I made Brown Bear feel bad. Fuck, now I feel bad.
I love you Brown Bear, I'm sorry about the dudettes line and the siq mashup line. That was below the belt and wicked dick.
JR is right, I got all inflamed.
We are all in the same boat, and I'd like to declare the name of that boat, love, as in, "The Love Boat".
I understand this was meant to be a hilarious article and there were some high moments of hilarity, it's just when you support a candidate whose been completely and totally ignored by the media, and is only mentioned to get kicked, you start seeing red constantly.
It's just unfortunate that people can only see two choices for president, when there are so many. I mean people demand hundreds of channels, like 6 kinds of Mt. Dew, at least 3 high school musicals, but somehow, one of the most important decisions we have to make, we settle at 2 and are told to be happy with that.
This is the first campaign that I've ever gotten actually involved with, on a minor level, handing out info locally and what not, but it's just frustrating and sad to see people so ready to give up and vote against themselves, to sacrifice what they actually believe in for someone who actively works against them.
This country has never been perfect, but because of the extremely hard sacrifices of many (not me, let me be clear here, I'm talking about tons of other people) positive change has come, slowly but surely.
It's a lot easier to watch it fall, what's that NOFX says "It's not designed to make you care, they're betting you won't care".
Then again, fucking Nofx supports Obama, so, "Murder The Government" indeed fellows.
People are misinformed about their "progressive" candidate. They are told outright lies and then, I don't know.
Fuck, I understand hoping for a better tomorrow, but we won't ever have that better tomorrow if we don't work for it, if we give our votes to "more of the same", we won't ever have things any differently.
I can't endorse counterpunch.org strongly enough. The only political newsletter that consistently calls the candidates and our leaders on their actions while a neutered, obedient media dumbly looks on.
And it's not just like some random crazy leftist blogger in his basement, you get articles from people as varied as Noam Chomsky to former Reagan Economic advisers.
It's the place to be to get informed. While "LGT" is the place to laugh it up and enjoy the finer points of culture.
No disrespect intended. Love to you all. Let's call it a day and give each other foot massages and drink some silly expensive beer like Chimay or Delerium tremens and play "Guess How Many Gaskets Fox News Will Blow When McCain Loses Tomorrow?"
pussy was harsh, my bad, but i love pussy so......it was actually a nice thing to say.
"Besides, wouldn't it be sick if Obama got in office and was like "oh word, I just said all that shit to you so I'd get in office. First order of business, stop the atrocities in the Middle East and repair the economy for real.""
This is like a dad standing around a crowd of his son's friends on the eve of his son's 18th birthday, hearing his son talk about all the alcohol and drugs and sex they're all going to have at his birthday party that his pops is funding, instead of being concerned, dear old dad just coughs up the money anyway and says, "Oh he's just saying that cause that's what his friends want to hear. He's a good kid. He doesn't mean it... I'm sure the party will just be juice and cookies and maybe, maybe some decaf cola."
Of course, it is a little different since you're giving this liar a country, two wars and the nuclear football.
I am loving this. This is well thought out and it's a good dialogue on the reality of tomorrow's vote and how the world is falling apart right now. I appreciate everyone's opinions and beliefs. If everyone thought the same shit would be insanely boring.
Nick Dixson, I especially agree with your metaphor about the dad in the circle of a kid and his friends. I am worried like hell about Obama's endorsement of AIPAC and their philosophies.
I agree a little bit with everyone. Though Cocksman, I know you very well and I agree with your belief that if we don't push and try hard nothing will ever change. This is why people who think like you need to get involved in politics at not only a grassroots local level but a massive level. Someone needs to get in there and break this shit down.
i spit on your spit
i piss on your spit
i shit on your piss
i fart on your shit
i laugh at your fart
WE ARE FRIENDS AGAIN!